Can you be bought? Can you?
I've got a wallet full of dirty, fucking rusty, stinky, valuable money for you.
Do you want it? Will you do what I say?
Sonic Mouth won't. Fuck you.
Sonic Mouth got free tickets to the Hop Farm Festival for writing a review that had to be 'positive'. Sonic Mouth ain't proud of this. One arm was taking the free shit, the other was strangling us, making us beg for mercy. We begged, and begged and begged. But it was fruitless. We're half dead.
The half that still lives is sick to the back teeth of dragging this semi-corpse around like some fricking Weekend At Bernie's tribute, so it's cutting it off. Getting the saw out ... Slicing the skin, severing the flesh and snapping the bone.
What's the point of being half dead? What bleeds heals yeah? Let's see what comes out.
Dead half said: On Independence Day it was fitting to get the train out of the commercialised hubbub of London and head to an independent music festival in Kent.
Live half says: No it wasn't. I nicked the Independence Day line off 6Music. It was a pain in the arse. I didn't want to get out of bed at all until I came all over my leg and it started to run onto the bed.
Dead half said: Jumping on the train at London Bridge, the fun spent guessing the place names as we whizzed past the stations would normally be the highlight of any jaunt, although we knew there was cause for excitement elsewhere.
Live half says: This is a blatant lie. We didn't 'jump' on the train at London Bridge. We waited for ages and had to get one from Forest Hill to get there in the first place. And the train cost £15 which is more than I earn in a week.
Dead half said: Arriving at Paddock Wood station, we had a short wait in the sun before an old Routemaster came along to take us to the site. Whilst not quite living up to the phrase ‘shuttle bus’, in the absence of a tractor it was a fitting way to travel to Hop Farm.
Live half says: This is bullshit. We were waiting there for ages with loads of middle class fuckers in urban camouflage drinking weak fucking lager and smoking shit cigarettes like a pretend gay. The Routemaster looked like a big red rust bucket and was about as fast as that special kid out of Hollyoaks.
Dead half said: It was apt to arrive on site to the sound of Noah and the Whale, their summer pop fizzing with feel-good vibes.
Live half says: It was apt. As Noah and the Whale are shit. And Hop Farm was shit. The only thing fizzy about Noah and the Whale is their bath water. Fuck off back to your ark you wet hippies.
Dead half said: After applying sunscreen and donning our shades, we headed over to the front of the main stage to see Florence and the Machine. Resplendent in flowing attire, spinning, dancing, wailing, gesturing, emoting … Florence was every great pop icon rolled into one ginger star. As she closed her set with Rabbit Heart (Raise it Up), everyone in the audience cried. Or maybe that was just me.
Live half says: This bit was true. She was brilliant and we did wear sunglasses.
Dead Half said: Ian McCulloch and his Bunnymen did their best to follow, although their back catalogue was far too detailed for the hot crowd to decipher, more Littlewoods than Argos – if you can permit that analogy.
Live half says: Really? I didn't think we even really bothered to watch them?
Dead half said: On the opposite side of the equation lay Ash, flexing their addition signs with glorious new tunes, all sitting comfortably alongside classics from their debut 1977, and a brief sojourn into their ‘metal’ days. Tim Wheeler looked as good as their songs sounded, like the Peter Pan of indie his performance was both charming and exhilarating.
Live half says: Kind of true. Although the rest of Ash looked dead, and I bet Michael Jackson would be better on the drums than Rick McMurray and we know how alive Michael Jackson is, and even when he was alive he only banged kids.
Dead half said: After enjoying the flow of the mainstream, we headed over to the third stage to catch The Joy Formidable’s clatter pop. Much more aggressive than their recorded material, they managed to pump vitriol into their songs, as they bled rock and roll.
Live half says: Lies. We saw two songs and they were shit. I could wank a better band.
Dead half said: Unfortunately we then saw The View, whose indecipherable Dundee accents were equal to their musical output. An absolute shambles, and an unfortunate end to the day, leaving us no option but to flee London-wards to escape their sub-Libertines shite.
Live half says: The View were shit, but I knew that before I started watching them. In truth we were listening to them as we were running from the site. The Pigeon fucking Detectives and The Fratellis were following them. Would you stick around for that? Unlikely.
Dead half said: Thankfully on Sunday we arrived on site to the Rifles who were firing (arf arf) on all cylinders with their Jam-lite pop.
Live half says: We didn't even really want to go on Sunday. We do quite like The Rifles, but on the main stage? Really? I was surprised they had any fans.
Dead half said: Obviously popular with the assembled mods, it was hard not to feel a little sorry for the following act Ladyhawke as she had her wings clipped after her voice didn’t join her on stage.
Live half says: You'd still shag her though wouldn't you? Although she was wearing this awful outfit that made her look like a bit of a prat. A Nirvana t-shirt? Did you not see Florence yesterday? Pull your finger out and turn your mic up you nobber.
Dead half said: After struggling through a set seemingly lasting an age, Ladyhawke finally made way for the Mystery Jets, whose 80s-tinged pop will have taught Pip Brown a valuable lesson.
Live half says: I didn't even watch them, but Mrs Sonic Mouth did, and she liked them, but she likes lamps.
Dead half said: We then injected some baggy-testosterone courtesy of The Twang, before sitting down for some Indonesian Nasi Gorin. Yum yum.
Live half says: Are you bored reading this yet? Basically dead half is talking shite, Live half is saying the truth. Do you really think the food was good? Do you really think THE TWANG were good?
Dead half said: After exploring the site and busting some truly chaotic moves in the Dance Tent, we took our shame to the third stage to see the phenomenal 65 Days of Static. After picking our jaws up from the floor it proved impossible not to immerse oneself in their techno-scented noisecore.
Live half says: I didn't realise this review was so long. There were only about twelve people watching 65dos, and I don't think they played 'Dance Parties ...' but I was well pissed at this point. My colleague who had been sick just a few minutes prior to arriving in the vicinity of 65dos turned and walked away. All the way back to London.
Dead half said: [Bad segway alert] As they threw themselves around the stage as though they were dodging bullets, we went to go and see Editors who played a song called Bullets. As Tom Smith’s epic tones spilled out life-affirming gloom anthems, it was time to travel back to big smoke, so we did.
Live half says: Editors were okay, but I've seen them loads of times before and they were better than this. I think Edith Bowman might have started writing their choruses though. They smelt like chips.
Dead half said: Farewell Hop Farm. We loved you.
Live half says: We didn't. You were shit and free.
No comments:
Post a Comment